I am finally settling in to Toronto, thanks to my kind community that has been pulling for me. The last few days have been a real re-focusing effort on the basics... eating and sleeping. Gentle movement. Resetting adverse patterns.
The medicinal tea I'm drinking from Xiaolan Health Centre has a bitter taste, but I don't mind it. I'm not sure what exactly it's changing, but I will say that I notice a difference. In general my belly symptoms have been pretty under control these last few days, and I've suddenly quit my dependence on coffee!
For as long as I can remember I would wake up craving coffee, probably to make up for the overall fatigue level I'd gotten used to operating on (well... also... the smell!! So good). But anyways, in this reset, I am forced to slow down in many ways, and this is one of them. It's all a process... I have to drink Chinese medicinal teas half an hour before eating twice/ day, and so it is making me take time to sit, sip, prepare, and chew, rather than "walk/drive-and-eat" which is the mode I'm accustomed to. I'm reflecting on all the years (before I pinned gluten as an allergen) that I lived on bagels and coffee, to work 9-5, drink more coffee, then train yoga or aerials, then pour myself into bed and do it all over again. Eventually the 9-5 was replaced with travel, teaching, art-making, and different kinds of stressors, and it all amounted to me never really care-taking for myself appropriately.
That sort of live-mode, and the general anxiety that built around food over a decade's worth of symptoms has been truly something to unpack. I am taking the time to notice how my psychological patterns in response to food and poverty have made things like grocery shopping and choosing food in restaurants really difficult—and it's why I often have to force myself to eat and often fast for long periods of time, despite being often underweight and having the high physical demands of acrobatics. Anyone with IBD can I'm sure relate to the obstacles... the 50-question menu quiz of whether or not my server or the cooks know what's in their food... the grocery store options and higher cost of trying to eat healthfully, let alone antibiotic free/ hormone free/ pesticide free, as we all should, to eliminate environmental toxins.
It's not a coincidence, I don't think, that many of my blackouts and anxiety episodes have occurred in situations that involve food or grocery shopping. Ha. Funny human.
So here I am, taking things slowly. Really slowly. My body's still not where it needs to be, but I am slowly putting ground under my feet.
Thank you to all the supporters out there, the physical, spiritual, and emotional kind. Sending lots of love.
The medicinal tea I'm drinking from Xiaolan Health Centre has a bitter taste, but I don't mind it. I'm not sure what exactly it's changing, but I will say that I notice a difference. In general my belly symptoms have been pretty under control these last few days, and I've suddenly quit my dependence on coffee!
For as long as I can remember I would wake up craving coffee, probably to make up for the overall fatigue level I'd gotten used to operating on (well... also... the smell!! So good). But anyways, in this reset, I am forced to slow down in many ways, and this is one of them. It's all a process... I have to drink Chinese medicinal teas half an hour before eating twice/ day, and so it is making me take time to sit, sip, prepare, and chew, rather than "walk/drive-and-eat" which is the mode I'm accustomed to. I'm reflecting on all the years (before I pinned gluten as an allergen) that I lived on bagels and coffee, to work 9-5, drink more coffee, then train yoga or aerials, then pour myself into bed and do it all over again. Eventually the 9-5 was replaced with travel, teaching, art-making, and different kinds of stressors, and it all amounted to me never really care-taking for myself appropriately.
That sort of live-mode, and the general anxiety that built around food over a decade's worth of symptoms has been truly something to unpack. I am taking the time to notice how my psychological patterns in response to food and poverty have made things like grocery shopping and choosing food in restaurants really difficult—and it's why I often have to force myself to eat and often fast for long periods of time, despite being often underweight and having the high physical demands of acrobatics. Anyone with IBD can I'm sure relate to the obstacles... the 50-question menu quiz of whether or not my server or the cooks know what's in their food... the grocery store options and higher cost of trying to eat healthfully, let alone antibiotic free/ hormone free/ pesticide free, as we all should, to eliminate environmental toxins.
It's not a coincidence, I don't think, that many of my blackouts and anxiety episodes have occurred in situations that involve food or grocery shopping. Ha. Funny human.
So here I am, taking things slowly. Really slowly. My body's still not where it needs to be, but I am slowly putting ground under my feet.
Thank you to all the supporters out there, the physical, spiritual, and emotional kind. Sending lots of love.
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